01.29.07
Christer’s adventures in the Army.
January 9th.
0610 — Christer departs from his warm, safe, secure bed to the army base at Sessvollmoen to be enrolled in the Army’s registers.
0900 — Enrollment starts. Christer brought a book and a GameBoy. First out, the drug scan — fifteen minutes of being sniffed in the crotch by a dog. Fun, eh? The next few hours were spent being tested to see if I’m really fit for service. The Army scores you on a 9-point scale on physique. I had 9 in all categories, save General Physique (7, due to asthma at an early age) and Vision (6). The day is mostly spent standing in line to visit various checkpoints to be vaccinated, vision tests, blood tests, a talk with the doctor, and a talk with the dentist. We also got a visit from the Royal Guard stationed in Oslo, showing off the various troops we were supposed to be stuffed into. A recon platoon, two light infantry platoons, and a SISU platoon. There was also food involved. Stew, type Unknown. After that endeavour was done (around 1800 hours), we were loaded onto a bus and shipped northwards to Terningmoen. We were introduced to two of our sergeants — Sgts. Ahmed and Gjelstenli.
The rest of the week progressed rather smoothly. We learned close-order formation (well, the basics), finished our hearing tests (9, perfect score) and had an introductory lecture on how to dress and behave in a winter climate. We wondered a bit why, because so far, it had been rather mild. Oh boy, were we wrong. So very wrong. We were checked for security clearance (there are four levels: Confidential, Secret, Top Secret, Cosmic Top Secret). Every Guardsman has to be cleared for Secret, and I got the clearance. The second week consisted basically of being told to wash our rooms all over again. In the Norwegian Army, you have clean rooms. Our beds had to be so neat you could see the sergeant wet himself with joy. Oy yay. This week we were handed out personal weapons, and told that tradition was that you named your gun after the last girl you nailed before being conscripted. It was also the first trip to the range. I didn’t do too badly — a nice circle with a 4cm (1.5 inches) radius on the second round. The rifle didn’t have the recoil I thought it would have — barely a little pop against the shoulder. However, 7.62mm ammunition does make quite a bang. We also had a lecture in how to properly have a tent set up. My first medical appointment for my heels was this Tuesday — told to swallow some pills, and see the doc again in a week.
Monday before I was discharged, the 22nd, we went out camping. In -30 C. For some reason, it was insanely hilarious when the entire platoon was ordered to strip on the spot and put on warmer underwear. Especially when you can stand there with the AG on your shoulder, backpack leaning towards your leg, and watch. Because you had assessed the weather and dressed accordingly.
The Tuesday I was discharged was an all-day range day. We got 20 bullets to spend. This day, my personal best was a 2cm radius (bit less than an inch) spread. At 1240, I was sent to the doctor, who gave me the news — my heels were in too bad a condition to let me serve. I had achieved what few others could: In the scope of two weeks, manage to get a serious heel infection rendering me unable to walk long distances, stand for long periods of time, run, or lift heavy stuff. Two hours after my appointment, I surrendered my personal weapon. Two more hours, and I had delivered all my stuff. Six hours later, I had my discharge papers and was home again. What a long army career.